Wow. We made it to September, everyone. What an unbelievably strange year! I feel simultaneously like it has been years since March AND like Fridays just come one right after another. Life is both very fast and indeterminably slow these days. Uncertainty plays tricks on our perception of reality.
I hope you have hung in there. I hope your loved ones are safe and sound and that you have found pockets of time to fill with creative things. Or maybe just stayed afloat, that’s all anyone can ask of a human in a crisis.
As for me, I think I went into this with fully charged batteries so to speak, and fared pretty well so far. My main source of stress has been the distance learning for my kids, which turned out to be very frustrating for everyone involved. I’ve been working from home most of the time since March. Before then, I negotiated the (highly unusual in architecture industry) work from home on Fridays. So it wasn’t a completely new thing for me and the transition went just fine. But working from home while also working as a mom, teacher, tech support and therapist to three kids is a whole new level.
We’re managing. It helps that I share custody with my ex and we both get to take breaks. My mom recently started helping with childcare, too, after an intense beginning of the year, when my dad was fighting cancer (he had his surgery right as the hospitals began cutting off all non-emergency procedures and not allowing visitors). That was no fun either. He is doing well now.
I keep trying to build good habits. A routine. Like going to sleep before 10:30 and walking in the morning. I schedule blocks of time on my calendar for work, breaks, lunch, and more work. I love my job but I feel like my whole life is being sucked up by “work.” It feels especially acute on days when I am more aware of the news and less certain of what the future holds or what exactly it is that I have control over. It feels a bit hopeless. And I know I’m lucky to 1) have a job and 2) have the opportunity to do my job remotely. I do appreciate that. I could be unemployed, a single mom of 3, with a mortgage and California-style utility bills.
Instead, I have a great job that pays those bills and I can do it from the comfort of my home. Despite being a woman, an immigrant and a divorcee, I am the privileged minority.
Other than an occasional sketch, it’s been a creative desert here. Somehow, it’s easier to channel anxiety and stress into learning an instrument 10 minutes at a time than into making art. I signed up for an app-based guitar course in April and worked it pretty hard for the first 3 (free) months. Once the trial ran out, I looked around for other resources but eventually bought the paid version. I’ve been slacking on it since then…paradox? I think I need deadlines for motivation, financial investment doesn’t do it for me.
I realize all of this is sounding depressing and gloomy. My friend said today that it must be the “smoke blues” - California is currently breaking fire season records and we’ve been waking up to ash in the air and orange skies for weeks now. We are constantly bombarded by more bad news. Sometimes, 2020 feels like one long endurance test.
But…it not all bad news. There are people in your life who love you and care about you. People who depend on your love and care. People who will risk catching a deadly virus to give you a hug. That’s the good stuff, something always worth waking up for.
Maybe it’s just me, but have you noticed that in this dystopian future, people are starved for connection? They are more eager to respond when you reach out, happy to give and get some humanity. It’s reassuring: unseen dangers are wrecking havoc on our routines but people we know are still the same and still want to know us. There is comfort in that.
Of course, they could just be bored. Too much time on their hands. I keep hearing about that particular effect of the quarantine, and if this is you…please keep it to yourself. See above re: work, distance learning, stress, work, no time, homework.
The point I am trying to make is this: we are living through very difficult times. And whatever your reality of that is at the moment, it is yours to own, even if someone else might have it worse. It’s okay to feel “smoke blues”. We will get through this by carrying each other and offering others the humanity, love and care we all need so much.
I will finish with a sketch from the archives: a basket of lemons, given to me by a dear friend. I got the lemons, she got a painting of them. Win-win! If life gives you lemons….sketch them :)
